Rowan's big sister welcomes him to our world

Rowan’s big sister welcomes him to our world

To my daughter,

My first dreams of Rowan were about you. You were a toddler, and life was happy. But I dreamed of a partner for you. Someone to always be there through the good and the bad, just like my brother was for me.

You treated Rowan’s arrival like he was the best gift you had ever received. You loved him instantly, and wanted him to be a part of everything in your life. He was your little brother, and you were so proud of him. You were right there for every accomplishment, proud of yourself and saying “I taught him that!” He wanted to be just like you, and you embraced him. You insisted on matching clothes (a bit tricky for me), wanted him to be a part of everything, and never turned away his hugs (or his drool). You waited patiently for him to grow into your partner, and you never complained that you had to wait longer than your friends. You learned his ‘language’ happily and signed his books to him, you cheered for him as he learned something new. You shared everything with him, even your most prized possessions. Because he was your most prized possession. I kept waiting for the sibling rivalry to come, it never did. You were his best friend, and he was yours.

You wanted to be a doctor, and rescue people. You listened to his heart with your real stethoscope, and wanted to protect him. It was you who would jump in front of him if he went toward the street, you who would run to get his music box when he cried, you who would sing to him on car rides.

Now you want to be an astronaut. To visit other worlds, wherever he might be, because you understand that he will never be back in yours. In the playground, surrounded by others, you search for him. I hold back tears as I hear you sing, “I’m going to a black hole, to see if you are there.”

I watch you during the day, pulling out Rowan’s birthday train, searching for a connection, just like us. I lie next to you at night, trying to lead you through your nightmares. I watch your eyes fill up with tears that you won’t let stream, during those special events that you used to share. I watch you try to navigate through the world, that sees you as a happy five year old, and doesn’t understand that you are also watching and wondering “Why me?” I wish more than anything that could give you back the innocence that you once knew. I wish that I could give you your little brother. But I can’t.

You were the strength behind this website, and Rowan’s story. You figured it out, and you started to ask questions. Complicated questions that we couldn’t answer. I hope that, through this journey, we can answer the questions that you have, and that you will have as you grow.

“Tug, tug, Rowan”..

With you and Rowan both filling my heart,

Mom